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"There is more than enough room in my Father's home. If this were not so would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am." John 14:2-3 NLT

“There is more than enough room in my Father’s home. If this were not so would I have told you that I am going to prepare a place for you? When everything is ready I will come and get you, so that you will always be with me where I am.” John 14:2-3 NLT

I got up this morning, poured my cup of coffee, and sat down in my chair at the window to watch the activity taking place at the bird feeders.  This is my routine pretty much every morning I’m home, however, this morning was a little more exciting (in the bird world, at least) because the Wrens are back and building a nest in the bird house.  It’s an amazing thing to watch as the tiny bird approaches the small opening in the bird house with a GIANT stick, often three times their size and yet, it still manages to maneuver it through. All the while the other half of the couple is chattering anxiously and excitedly flitting here and there. It’s hard work creating a home one stick at a time!

Home……it’s what’s been on my mind lately.  I recently traveled to help my mom prepare to move into a new home.  It’s a lovely condo with lots of light and storage. But even though it’s a positive move it has still caused her feelings of doubt, anxiety, and heartache.  At the same time, she’s experiencing excitement about redecorating, the joy of having friends close by, and a peace knowing she’s found the right place

In a few weeks my daughter, who I can still picture smiling up at me with a toothless grin and a head full of curls, is about to have a baby of her own.  She and her husband will be navigating their way to recreate their home as a family of three instead of two.  Doubt? Anxiety? You know it!  And as a parent I know that there’ll be some heartache too, but right there mixed in are great excitement and abundant joy!  (I can hardly wait!)

Add into the mix, my son, who is about to be married and join two lives into one home.  Again, its a time of mixed emotions. There are so many questions to be answered, plans to be made, and priorities to set. If ever there’s a time with a myriad of feelings, it’s planning a wedding, but the promise of this new love brings such delight!

My home was built over one hundred years ago and has seen better days. Now common sense would tell you that we have enough going on in our lives right now, but I’m not always sensible, SO….my husband and I have been looking into making a change in our home too.  We’ve given consideration to building a new house, one board at a time….. TOO STRESSFUL! Tearing down our family home and putting in a modular has been an option….. this caused me some heartache, though.  Remodeling where we’ve called home for many years is still being considered.  All three options are exciting and all three have also caused my husband and me a great deal of anxiety!

Home…..some of its definitions are:  shelter, a dwelling place or retreat, any place of residence or refuge, a place in which one’s domestic affections are centered.  These are all so true but for me there’s something more about home which cannot be defined.  It is that gravitational-like pull that draws me back. It is memories of times past and hope for times to come. It is love.

Yes, every emotion on the spectrum is experienced in a home…some good, some not. It is where we teach and learn about life.  It isn’t perfect but it’s where we begin and where we end. And in the midst of it all we have the promise that a Heavenly home awaits us. A place where there will be no more heartache or anxiety, only excitement and joy as we have never known before!  They say “Home is where the heart is”.  I have definitely put my whole heart into creating a home for my family and more importantly into building in us, one prayer at a time, hearts of faith, so that on some sweet day we will all finally be home together, forever.

It’s “Dog~Gone” Time!

Looking out my kitchen window just now I watched Pixie and Joy, the small dogs that live next door to me, running around outside; tongues out, panting and their little tails wagging as fast as their little legs were moving.  Having their pen expanded this past weekend has given them a lot more room to frolic in.  The funny thing is, Joy was running with great abandon, from one end of the pen to the other enjoying her new found space.  Pixie however, didn’t venture past the old fence line.  She stayed behind the tufts of grass that had grown along her former boundary.   For a moment, she stepped tentatively over the grass and almost immediately hopped back to the area she was familiar with despite seeing Joy having a grand time in their new expanse.

Oh how like Pixie I am!  Here it is, time for me to explore new territory but I’m so afraid to step out of my familiar confines of life even though I know there may be exciting opportunities waiting for me.  What holds me back?  Probably the same things that are holding Pixie back.  She must face the unfamiliar sounds and smells of new dogs who are closer to the enlarged yard area just as I, while exploring new possibilities, may have to meet and interact with people I don’t know, something that makes me extremely nervous!   Pixie and I both seem to find change intimidating.  We’re more at ease with what we are accustomed to.   Stepping over the mound of grass is risky for Pix and stepping outside my comfort zone, putting myself out there, sets me up for a chance to falter or worse yet, fail.  Finally, the first step is always the hardest, whether it’s a leap for a small pup to enter new play ground or this ole gal taking a walk on the wild side of trying something new,  getting started is the biggest hurdle to reaching the other side.

Pixie will come to enjoy her wide open space sooner rather than later.  The question is will I follow suit?  Will I approach the boundaries I have set for myself in the past, pause, wag my tail, and take a leap of faith into new regions of life?  It may take me a few tries, but I hope I’m about ready to discover a place for myself with a little more room to frolic!

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56 Year Old Dreamer?

When You Wish Upon a Star

When you wish upon a star
Makes no difference who you are
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you

If your heart is in your dream
No request is too extreme
When you wish upon a star
As dreamers do

Faith is kind
She brings to those she loves
The sweet fulfillment of
Their secret longing

Like a bolt out of the blue
Fate steps in and sees you through
When you wish upon a star
Your dreams come true

When we are young we all have dreams, goals, and longings. But what about now? I’m almost 56 years old. Are my dreaming days over? For a while I thought so, until I retired, that is, and now I have time to contemplate. Recently, I’ve begun to let a dream or two creep back into my mind and now my heart has joined in. Tiny flickers like stars in the summer sky waiting to ignite.

Unfortunately, accompanying these “flights of fancy” is an insistent voice that whispers things like “you’re too old”, “it will never work”, you’re not good enough” in an attempt to douse the flames of hope and excitement before I even give them a chance to shine.

I’d like to believe ole Jiminy Cricket, that making dreams come true is as easy as wishing on a star. Life has taught me however, that wishing and dreaming are the easy parts. It takes work and dedication to make them come true and sometimes even then they don’t. I’ve found it way too easy to just give up on dreaming and now I find that it’s uncomfortable for me to acknowledge these new desires of my soul. It’s much easier for this procrastinator to do just that. I love the quote; “Procrastination is the killer of dreams.” How true I’ve let that be for me!

Writing this post is my first step in giving myself permission to dream again and not just dream but to do everything I can to make my dreams come true. I will have to battle my worst enemy….myself. I’ll have to DO instead of just think. I’ll have to believe. I’ll have to risk failing. I’ll have to find ways to” fan the flames” until the burning desire in my heart is greater than the fear in my head. And maybe, just maybe tonight I’ll go outside, look up, and “wish on a star as dreamers do”….. just in case Jiminy’s right.

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Dare to believe
Realize it’s time to try
Envision success
Avoid Procrastination
Make it happen
Cindy

I hope to keep you up to date on my journey of following a dream. I would love to know what your dreams are! Feel free to share with me by leaving your comments.

A Work in Progress

I’ve been rereading all that I’ve posted here since beginning “My Sea of Thought” and I realize that I’ve written about a lot of “lessons I’m learning.” Because of that, one might assume that I have it all together.  I can assure you that I don’t so I wanted to set things straight.

In the past two years I truly have begun to understand some things about myself.  I think it started when I read the book “A Confident Heart” by Renee Swope of www.proverbs31.org .  I believe with all my heart that God directed me to this book to help begin a process of healing and growing.  Since then, through music, readings, and study, I think I’ve developed a clearer picture of my true self and the woman I want to be.  The thing is that being presented with a lesson and applying it are two different things.  It’s just like all the years teaching in my classroom…I prepared and presented lessons everyday but what my students did with the information was up to them.  I have very good intentions but I’m sad to say they don’t always develop into actions.

I’m finding that my ramblings here benefit me.  It’s a way to clarify the changes I need and want to make…a way for me to get a picture of this new and improved person I desire to be.  It’s kind of like an artist who allows the picture he has inside of himself to come to life through his paint; turning an empty canvas into a masterpiece.  In my case, I am the empty canvas gradually coming to life but I have a long way to go!

Confucius said, “It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.” I want you to know that I am moving more slowly than I’d like to admit.  Old thought patterns and insecurities die hard but I’m determined to steadily put one foot in front of the other.  I so hope that some of my life lessons resonate with you, too.  I am learning (here I go again!) that through shared struggles and triumphs we gain a better understanding of each other and by offering support and encouragement we make moving forward just a little easier.  It is a life-long, often bumpy journey that requires patience and dedication but one that when traveled culminates in creating a unique masterpiece of each of us.    Slowly but surely it’s the journey I yearn to take.

The Only Way to Travel

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Riding the Tygart Flyer

Fall is here!  The colors are vibrant, the air has less humidity, and the evenings are cool.  It’s one of my favorite times of year!  My husband and I celebrated the season and his birthday by taking a short, scenic train excursion yesterday.  Scenic it was!  The mountains were alive with golds, reds, oranges, and greens.  The bright blue sky boasted fluffy white clouds and the falling leaves whirled on the breeze like fairies.  When we reached our destination we were not disappointed.  The waterfalls and river glistened in the afternoon sun like diamonds.  It was a fun and relaxing day except for one thing……

Our train traveled up then back down the mountainside on one track which means on one leg of the trip you’re sitting backward.  I didn’t think much about it until a funny feeling came over me.  Call it dizzy, woozy, or what you’d like, it wasn’t pleasant. Scenic or not, taking a trip backward is not what I prefer.  Thankfully by adjusting my seat and where I focused on the landscape I was able to enjoy the rest of the journey back to the station.

If traveling backward is so uncomfortable, then why do I do it so often in life?  It’s hard to say how many hours or even days I have spent looking back to times past when I was younger and skinnier, my children were little and I felt needed , love was new, or someone I cared about hadn’t passed away.  During those times I yearn for the past and often perceive it to be better than today.

Unfortunately, I don’t only look back on “good times.”  I more frequently return to the mistakes I’ve made, the people I’ve hurt, the people who’ve hurt me, and  the things I wish I’d done differently.  Returning to these memories produces that queasy, uneasy feeling just like my train ride down the mountain.   These are painful reminders of my failures and I can recall them just like they happened yesterday.  As a result unpleasant sadness and regret settle in my soul.

Have you too taken these backward excursions?  It’s time to adjust our seats and change our focus!  Why continue to waste our today by reaching back into yesterday?  It ‘s becoming clearer to me that continually traveling back to the past takes me off track and is making it harder to reach my desired destination.  The events of our lives, good and bad, have helped shape us into who we are today.  Instead of clinging to them we need to focus on the joys we’ve experienced, the lessons we’ve learned, wisdom we’ve gained, and set our sights ahead to a future that is vibrant and alive.  Whether life takes us up, down, or whirling on the wind we can be sure of one thing…… Living in the now and looking forward is the only way to travel!

Preparing for the Climb

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My First “Small” Summit

It’s been a tough week.  School started and I wasn’t there.  For the first time in thirty-three years I didn’t decorate my classroom with colorful frogs, prepare fun opening day activities, or pick out a “first day of school” outfit.  I am done, finished…….retired.  I fully expected to feel happy and free but instead I feel disconnected and at loose ends.

Life is not static.  Changes come like the rise and fall of the mountains.  Just when we sigh a breath of relief on the downhill side another slope ascends before us.  Right now I feel like I am facing Spruce Knob, the highest point in West Virginia.  I can’t see what waits for me on the other side and the climb seems difficult, my footing unsure .  I am reminded that it is in exactly these times that faith propels us to the top.  It is faith that helps us take that first step, faith that whispers “don’t look down”, and faith that assures us that we’re almost there.

When I focus on ME and try to control the climb, I stumble every time.  But when I concentrate less on my own effort and more on “The Guide” the rise to the summit seems possible.  Now, I am not there yet but I am “in training”.  Taking baby steps and scaling small peaks is preparing me for the precipice that is this new life of mine. We all face cliffs and crags in our lives, but remembering to cling to “The Rock” helps us face those challenges and the unknown without the fear of falling.  Let’s shout that from the mountaintops!

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Celebrations

Oh my!  So much has happened since my last post.  It has been a whirlwind and I haven’t quite stopped spinning yet.  In the past two weeks I have been the speaker at the 6th grade commencement,  finished the school year with my Second Graders, made it through my retirement ceremony, spent the weekend on a mountaintop with girlfriends, and traveled with my family to Indiana for my nephew’s High School Graduation Open House.  Whew!

As you can see, my last two weeks have been a series of celebrations!  It’s funny, each event celebrated an ending but at the same time they also celebrate new beginnings.  The Sixth Graders are leaving Elementary School behind but will be making new friends in Middle School.  My Second Graders will no longer sit in their small desks in my classroom but will instead move down the hall into larger desks and will learn so many new and exciting things. I am no longer a teacher at NFES.  There are so many parts of that I do not want to end, however there is a small tickle of anticipation beginning to grow in my soul at the thought of taking a new path.  My friends and I escaped to a mountain retreat to celebrate not one but THREE retirees!  We each have taught for many years and to see it end is scary and yet each of us have new hopes, dreams, and goals we desire to fulfill as we begin this new life stage.  And finally, my nephew has accomplished so much and has made us very proud during his High School years but now he will move on and begin his path to finding the perfect career.

These past two weeks have been filled with laughter, hugs, reminiscing, and yes, tears. Through it all I am reminded that though life presents many endings it also gifts us with new beginnings that take us into unchartered territory. Thankfully it does not send us there unprepared.  We take with us all the lessons we have learned along the way, the support of those who mean the most to us, and the confidence that our steps are guided to lead us right where we are meant to be. Yes, endings can be sad and scary but discovering the possibilities that our new beginnings offer us are definitiely a reason for celebration!