Tag Archives: #livefreeThursday

Running for Shelter

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“He said, “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer; my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge..” 2 Samuel 22:2-3 (NAS)

 

“I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll blow your house down!” Famous words spoken by the Big Bad Wolf in the children’s story “The Three Little Pigs”. (Second Grade teacher at heart and mind, remember?) Each Little Pig had built themselves a house: one of straw, one of sticks, and the last pig built his of brick.  As the story goes; the Big Bad Wolf is true to his word and blows the house of straw down.  The first Little Pig runs for shelter in his brother’s house of sticks.  After a visit from the Big Bad Wolf, the house of sticks lay on the ground and the two Little Pigs run for shelter in their brother’s house of bricks. Ending happily (for the pigs), the wolf huffs and puffs, puffs and huffs, and huffs and puffs again but is unable to blow in the house of bricks. The Three Little Pigs learned a valuable lesson….seek shelter in a solid place!

What about us? Where do we run for shelter when trouble is huffing and puffing all around? I don’t know about you, but I first tend to rush and dwell in my emotions. Whether sadness, anger, disappointment, fear, or whatever I’m feeling, I move in and try to become a permanent resident. In reality, I wallow. Taking longer than I hate to admit, it eventually becomes evident that like the Little Pig in the straw house, staying there while things are falling apart around me isn’t an option.

Where do I run for shelter next? You guessed it. The “stick house” of worry. Ever lodge there? Somehow I, and maybe you too, think that by residing with worry we’ll  be protected from all that lurks around us until WE can find a solution. Wringing hands, churning thoughts, spinning stomach, all become familiar roommates and if we stay too long we end up in a heap beneath the weight of our trouble.

I’m realizing that in times of trial, trying to find refuge in emotional “straw” or “twigs” of worry keeps me exhausted and hopeless as I’m battered by what’s raging around me. Surprisingly enough, I’m learning the same lesson as the Three Little Pigs! Stay with me…..Jesus said:

“Therefore everyone who hears these words of mine and puts them into practice is like a wise man who built his house on the rock.  The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock.” Matthew 7:24-25 (NIV)

There are always going to be “Big Bad Wolves” knocking on our doors. Even though they’re different for each of us our reaction is often the same…..to run for shelter.

The Pigs learned to seek shelter in a solid place and So. Should. We.

“The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection, my shield, the power that saves me, and my place of safety. Psalm 18:2 (NLT)

Isn’t it comforting to know that even when we’re still living in places that so easily crumble; we have a fortress: a place of safety, a place that will not fall, waiting for each of us. Just as the Third Little Pig welcomed his brothers, God waits for us to find our refuge in Him. I wish I could say that I’ve left my straw and twigs behind and run straight to the house of brick every time. I’m working on it and reminding myself and you, that OUR happy ending comes when we’re running for shelter straight to the One who saves us!

“Running for shelter” is this weeks discussion at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com

 

Looking for a Sign

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6

Blurred vision. That’s what I dealt with yesterday, after my eyes were dilated at the Optometrist’s office. Note to self:  don’t plan to pick up a prescription after an eye appointment! Trying to decipher the small print proved to be a challenge.  I squinted, held it out as far as my arm would stretch away from me, and squinted again; it was still hazy.  Finally, the kind clerk read to me what I needed to know so I could move on. (We won’t talk about what my signature looked like as I checked out.)

It occurs to me that I was having trouble seeing clearly long before my eye exam. Can I let you in on a little secret? I don’t like to make mistakes, let someone down, not measure up…as if you didn’t already know that.  So, when it comes time to make a big decision: change jobs? retire? take on a project?   I look at it up close, far away, and from many different angles. When the answer still seems obscured from my view, I want God to send me a sure sign I’m not making the wrong choice and clear the way for me to proceed. 

In the midst of all the house decisions we’ve needed to make, I’ve prayed for a sign. Not just ANY sign, mind you. Because our beautiful tree must come down; I’ve prayed:  “God, if tearing down our house and putting in this modular is what you want us to do, (1) while we’re not here, (2) create a wind so strong, (3) it knocks over the pine tree, (4) but don’t let it hurt anyone or set the house on fire!” 

Did you happen to notice that I didn’t just ask God to show me the way; I told Him where, when, what, and how! Wait! What? I TOLD HIM? Needless to say, our tree is still standing.  Tell me I’m not alone in wanting what I want, when I want it! Oh, I can be so short-sighted!

I believe that God sends us signs all the time; unfortunately, like me, we are often looking for something of our own making or understanding.

“But the angel said to them, Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you;  He is the Messiah, the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.” Luke 2:10-12 (NIV)

I’m pretty sure that those waiting for a sign that the Messiah had arrived, never expected it to be cloths covering an infant! In a manger yet!  They were watching for grandeur and might, kind of like a giant pine tree falling to the ground. Because of their “blurred vision”, many missed God’s greatest gift. How often are we too, blind to the signs that lead to His gifts for us? 

My sight returned to normal later the evening of my exam and I’m beginning to “see” a little more clearly today, too; that life is going to constantly be full of different kinds of decisions. We may not  always be able to perceive the way to go, but when we focus on the most important Sign: the Baby wrapped in swaddling cloths; we can trust, that with “20/20 vision” He’ll guide us to the cross, through life, and all the way home. 

Joining others looking for “Signs” this week at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com

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The Qualities of Salt

 

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“Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” Colossians 4:6 (NIV)

I’m a sucker for a happy ending.  Whether it’s a Hallmark commercial, a video of a soldier surprising their family, or a sappy movie; you can bet I’ll cry.  Last night, there was no doubt this is true.  Curled up on the couch, I got lost in a movie I’d recorded. In the last minutes of the story, all the problems were solved, the characters were going to live happily ever after, and tears trickled down my cheeks gathering at the corners of my mouth.  Their brininess remained on my tongue even after I’d visited the tissue box. Why do you think God filled our tears with salt? I don’t know what the answer is, but it did get me thinking. (Oh boy, hold on!)

“Salt is good for seasoning.  But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other.”

Mark 9:50 (NLT)

Have the “qualities of salt”? Now that’s something you don’t hear everyday! What are they? Do I have them? Do you?

One thing I know for sure about salt is – I love it! Probably too much…. but it just makes almost everything taste better! So, maybe we need to shake things up by adding good flavor to a world where many things are happening that leave a bad taste in our mouths. By infusing God’s love into every relationship, situation, and challenge; we have the opportunity to enhance each experience and maybe even cause others to want more!

Thinking back to my days teaching Second Grade, our Pioneers unit was always a highlight.  In that, we learned that having no refrigeration meant the people who lived long ago had to salt their meat to keep it from rotting. Salt not only adds flavor to things, it also preserves them. It makes sense then, that we are to act as a “cure” that protects traits like common sense, respect, honesty, kindness, and integrity.  I don’t know about you, but everywhere I look today, whether  on Facebook, TV, Twitter, or in the newspaper, I see a world in decay.  Instead of worrying or ignoring what seems overwhelming, like salt; we need to make it our goal  to season the world with peace, prayer, and the Good News of Jesus as a way to lead others to the One True Way of preservation.

Have you ever thought about all the ways salt can be used? I hadn’t until now. It reminds me of summers, when I was growing up. They were filled with swimming in the lake, catching fireflies, and making homemade ice-cream on the cottage porch. We took turns churning. It took a while and it wasn’t easy, but it would have taken a lot longer if it weren’t for the addition of salt to the ice to help it melt more quickly. And, at least around here; salt is put on winter roads to keep them from freezing and becoming dangerous. Let’s face it, we don’t always get a happy ending.  Life. Is. Hard.  It often leads us down the slippery slope of despair and that can lead to icy, cold hearts.  Maybe as “the salt of the earth” we are to find ways to make life and hearts just a little softer. Smile more. Give more. Help more. Listen more. Love more. Pray more.

I definitely don’t think I’m salty enough… yet. I’ve got some work to do. So, maybe that’s the answer I’ve been looking for. Why did God make our tears salty? To remind us, in good times and bad, to continue to become a person who possesses the qualities of salt, to live in peace with one another, and to freely pour out our flavor wherever we are. If everyone would do that, it WOULD be a happy ending! (cue the tears…)

Linking up with #livefreeThursday (I know, late again) . Suzi’s prompt this week was “salt”. You can read more here http://www.tsuzanneeller.com

 

 

 

 

Commercials In My Worship Time?

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I’ve been on a quest recently to improve my personal worship time; to make it more meaningful and fervent. My goal was to take time (linger for the right reason) and create an atmosphere of thanksgiving, adoration, and prayer.  Because I love music I knew that’s where this special time with God would begin.  I don’t know about you, but praise music makes me feel about as close to Heaven as anything can.  I grabbed my iPad, hit the Pandora app choosing the Praise station and soft notes filled my room.  The uplifting words filled my soul.  My breathing slowed and my heart soared. “WOULD YOU LIKE TO IMPROVE YOUR BRAIN?” What was happening?  “TOUCH THE AD NOW TO LEARN MORE!”  Startled, I became drawn away from God by a commercial in my worship time! 

Now, thinking back, this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced a “station break” while in worship.   I can’t tell you how many times I’ve created grocery lists, to-do lists, even written blog posts in my mind in the midst of a prayer. Have you been there? Or as I’m in a time of praise and thanksgiving, an unanswered prayer or unmet want vies for my attention changing my attitude in a moment. My wandering mind tends to be more focused on the propaganda of my life than it is on being in worship with the One who died to save my life!

“Since you have been raised to new life with Christ, set your sights on the realities of heaven, where Christ sits in the place of honor at God’s right hand. Think about the things of heaven, not the things of earth.” Colossians 3:1-2 (NLT)

When I’m creating a new “personal worship time” instead of worshiping the Creator, thinking about things I have to do instead of thanking Him for all the things He’s done, or holding onto feelings that I shouldn’t instead of praising the One who holds me in His nail-scarred hand; my focus is on “the things of earth”…ME!

In the end, God doesn’t care if I have a new and improved worship time.  There isn’t a worship script He asks us to follow.  The truth is that worship isn’t about us at all.  Worship is ALL about God and who He is…..”setting our sights on the realities of Heaven”. 

“Shout with joy to the Lord, all the earth:  Worship the Lord with gladness.  Come before him, singing with joy. Acknowledge that the Lord is God!

He made us, and we are his.  We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.  Enter his gates with thanksgiving; go into his courts with praise.   Give thanks to him and praise his name.  For the Lord is good.  His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation.”  Psalm 100

So let’s not just think about it; let’s play the music, sing the songs, lift the prayers, give the thanks, and Worship “for the Lord. Is. Good!” Oh, and those commercials?  There’s always the mute button!

Magnify

Uplift

Thank

Exalt

 It’s #livefreeThursday an today at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com the prompt is worship.

 

The Stuff of Life

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One of many loads of stuff from my classroom as I retired.

I am an expert on stuff!  Stuff and I have an intimate relationship.  Everywhere I go stuff seems to follow.  My classroom was “stuff central”. My house? Stuff City.  Need something?  “Let me dig in the stuff in my purse.  I’m sure I have it!” Oh, and then there’s my brain….more stuff rattling around in there than I can handle or you want to know about!

Up until recently I was comfortable with my stuff.  I felt safe amidst the clutter. But now? Something’s changed.  As I’ve told you before, I am going through every room in preparation to move.  Somewhere in this process my perspective shifted. Don’t get me wrong, it hasn’t been easy for this memory collector to let things go. Tears have been shed.  Things have been in the trash or give away pile that I’ve struggled to leave there. But as I look around a finished room I feel an unexpected feeling of freedom. A lightness that wasn’t there before.

“Don’t store up treasures here on earth, where moths eat them and rust destroys them, and where thieves break in and steal.  Store your treasures in heaven, where moths and rust cannot destroy, and thieves do not break in and steal. Wherever your treasure is, there the desires of your heart will also be.” Matthew 6:19-21 (NLT)

As I linger (as I so love to do) with this new attitude I’ve come to realized that in having old greeting cards, letters, awards, artwork, ticket stubs, souvenirs from happy times; I somehow found reassurance of my self-worth. (I know, I’m worse off than you thought!) As I continue to sort through my stuff, I’m also sorting through all these emotions , but what I’m learning is: life is full of good stuff and bad stuff. When we (I) focus and are tied to that stuff, it can become a burden.

Let me just confess to you now that as hard as getting rid of my tangible stuff is; releasing my “worry stuff”, scary stuff”, “sad stuff”, “angry stuff”, “unforgiving stuff”, to God is even more difficult for me! Oh, I might put it away for awhile, but all too often I think I know what’s best so I open that “box of stuff”, comb through it, and even add to it! Oh how that stuff weighs on my heart, my mind, and soul!

“Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

Did you catch that?  The burdens I create, and maybe you too, by collecting stuff, whether in drawers, boxes, closets, or in our hearts; we don’t have to carry! Unburdening ourselves from the stuff of life allows us to open our arms and soul to the “yoke that is easy and the burden that is light” Jesus offers us.

The process of eliminating stuff from my life is an ongoing one.  I’m happy to report that recently I sat and went through four boxes of memories from my elementary years forward and when I was finished I only filled two back up.  I laughed, cried, and shook my head in wonder in all that I’d kept. And yes, as hard as it was, I had to let go of these precious items!

Bobby Sherman still makes me swoon!

Bobby Sherman still makes me swoon!

I pray that as I prepare to move into a new house, God continues to work on moving me forward. No more looking behind to find myself but setting my eyes on Him who’s known me all along.  Maybe you have some cleaning out to do like I do.  Will you join me in releasing the stuff of life so that we can begin to store our treasures right where they belong; the only place “where moths and rust cannot destroy them.”

 

Joining Suzi Eller for #livefreeThursday where her prompt this week is “It’s just stuff”. (Oh so timely for me!) Want to read more?  Jump over to http://www.tsuzanneeller.com to see what others are saying!

 

 

 

Little Faith ~ Big God

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“Then Jesus got into the boat and started across the lake with his disciples.  Suddenly, a fierce storm struck the lake, with waves breaking into the boat.  But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him up, shouting, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” Jesus responded, “Why are you afraid”  You have so little faith!” Then he got up and rebuked the wind and waves and suddenly there was a great calm.  The disciples were amazed.  “Who is this man?” they asked.  “Even the winds and waves obey him!” Matthew 8:23-27 (NLT)

“You have so little faith!”  Oh boy, am I in that same boat with the disciples! I don’t know about you but I do much better when life is smooth sailing. So often when the deluge drenches my soul and the strong winds begin to batter my heart, I grasp at the air and quickly begin to sink.  Thrashing in the waters of uncertainty, I’m pulled under by fear, doubt, worry, and shame…..I feel like I’m drowning because I have a little faith in a Big God.

It’s funny to me that in this world where bigger is better…..super-sized meals, houses the size of castles, lottery jackpots, stock portfolios….you get the idea….here, where we crave big, we so often overlook the greatness of God.  I overlook the greatness of God! Like the disciples, in times of trouble I forget what He has done for me in the past and instead of turning to Him, I flail my arms, gasp for breath, and shout “why?”. “Why now?” “Why him?” “Why not?” I focus on my big problems and not on our Big God.

Just how big is our God?

“Have you not heard.? Have you never understood?  The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of all the earth. He never grows weak or weary. No one can measure the depths of his understanding.  Even youths will become weak and tired, and young men will fall in exhaustion.  But those who trust in the Lord will find new strength.  They will soar high on wings like eagles.  They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.” Isaiah 40:28-31 (NLT)

 It comes back once again to trust.  Trust that our God is bigger than we can comprehend. He’s big enough to calm our storms.  Big enough to bring us peace in the midst of our storms.  Big enough to give us new strength to endure our storms. It isn’t easy keeping our heads above water when the waves are breaking over us, but I’m learning that it is in these times our little faith begins to grow bigger and with a bigger faith comes a better understanding  that we can “soar like eagles, run and not grow weary, walk and not faint”, and yes…… even swim through the turbulent waters, not on our own but with our Big God, the one, true Life Preserver.

Linking up with #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com again today.  The prompt is “how big is our God”.

Grace Said No

“I have told you these things so that in Me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33 (NIV)
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Grace Said No

The crown of thorns

Forced on His head,

Bruises, slashes,

Wounds that bled.

Voices heard

Above the crowd,

Jeers and Jokes

Mocking loud.

Rhythm made by

Each hammer blow.

Perfect heart

Beating slow.

Darkness swallowed

Up the sky

As they waited

For Him to die.

“It is finished”

Said for me

While the devil 

Danced with glee.

“I’ve won!” He bragged

“I told you so….”

But on Easter morn

Grace.

 Said.

No.

[bctt tweet=”But…on Easter morn Grace. Said. No.”]

I’m joining up again with #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com The prompts was “no”.  Sometimes a poem just comes out of me even when it is not what I plan to write. Want to see what other women are writing on “no”? Click on over to Suzie’s site.

Deep in the Muck

A "cleaner" wheeler ride! Can you believe I got back on with him?

A “cleaner” wheeler ride! Can you believe I got back on with him?

Have you ever had an up close and personal relationship with manure?  You know…sticky, smelly, squishy…comes from the wrong end of everything? You read it right, manure! Well, my encounter with manure is one I’ll never forget!

As a new teacher from the city, in a small, rural town, twelve hours away from all my family and friends, I was welcomed into the home of a fellow teacher for supper each weekend.  (She later became my mother-in-law but that’s a story for another time). Anyway, I loved going there because it was on a farm and there were so many new things to see and do. Of course I never considered a rendezvous with manure being one of them.

After supper one cold, blustery night, Joe, the youngest in the family had to go check on the cows.  As he donned his coveralls he looked back over his shoulder and jokingly asked if I’d like to join him.  Much to his surprise (and mine too) I said yes.  So began my transformation.  Coveralls, gloves, a disreputable hat, and knee-high black rubber boots.  I was quite thrilled with my get-up and felt ready for the cover of The Farmer’s Almanac!  Out the door we went.  With an uncoordinated swing of my leg I plopped on the back of the three wheeler behind Joe and we took off around the fields checking for any new calves. The icy air slapped my cheeks  and the bars I was sitting on slapped my other….well, you get the idea. Approaching the barn, I thought our job was coming to an end but we paused right outside a large opening.  What I saw in front of me sent a shiver down my spine. There in our path was a huge pile of snow.  Joe looked back at me and seeing the terror in my eyes he smiled, revved the engine, and took off determined to give me the ride of my life!  I had a sinking feeling.

sinking became more than a feeling! As it turned out, it was not the snow pile we’d anticipated.  Instead it was an enormous mountain of manure disguised by a layer of clean, white snow. Momentum propelled us upward but just as the wheeler reached the top, the engine died and we sank. Despite several valiant attempts, Joe was unable to get us free so he told me I’d have to drive and he’d get off and push us out.  This is where city girl made her mistake .  Having never driven a three-wheeler or anything close to it, I was scared and so I firmly refused. With more confidence than I actually felt, I told Joe that I’d get off and push!

To his credit, Joe did ask me if I was sure before he agreed.  Attempting to appear undaunted I stepped right down into the waiting muck. My feet began to disappear deep into the mire until manure was dripping down inside my knee-high boots; gunk soaking through my socks.  Gripping the back bar of the wheeler I listened as Joe counted……Are you picturing  where this is going?

One, two three!…….He gunned the motor. With a gallant effort, I pushed. The tires spun. And yes, in a split second I had cow manure everywhere manure could possibly go.  In my hair, dripping from my eyelashes, my nose, in my ears, covering my clothes. I was manure from. top. to. bottom.  As I stood stuck, with globs of poo plopping from the brim of my hat and sliding down my face, I learned that being deep in the muck is NOT where I wanted to be!

Since then I’ve come to realize that life can sometimes feel like being stuck deep in the muck. Stress at work, bills to pay, health issues, troubled marriage, worrying about children, plans that don’t work out….the list is long. None of us want to be lodged in the depths of these situations but when we find ourselves unexpectedly sinking, what a comfort it is to know we are not alone.

“He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in Him.” Psalm 40:2-3 (NIV)

I certainly don’t have all the answers and I flounder when I find myself not where I want to be. I  may not always see a solution right away or recognize God leading me to solid ground as I struggle in the slime, maybe you can relate,  but this I do know… His word assures us we can look to Him for help and He’ll not leave us on our own.

The end of my “farm-hand initiation” that winter night? It came when Joe suddenly (not quite quickly enough for me, mind you) remembered a switch on the three-wheeler that when flipped, enabled the tires to lift up out of the murky hole they’d been trapped in. I’ll never forget his sheepish grin as he reached out his hand and helped me, manure smell, and all, back onto the wheeler.

This was the first of many adventures I had on the farm but the lesson I learned in the manure  is my favorite.  When I find myself unable to move forward or release what is behind me. When I’m sinking and stuck deep in the muck I’m reminded that just as the tires were lifted up so many years ago, we have a God that we can trust to lift US up. That smells like victory to me!

Scar Story

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“He bore our sins in his body on the cross, so that we might die to sins and live for righteousness; by his wounds you have been healed.” 1 Peter 2:24 NIV

Ever find yourself lying unconscious in the gutter? No?  I never expected to either! So imagine my surprise when I opened my eyes to find myself wedged between the tires of a car and the curb…literally lying in the gutter!  It was one of those moments that moved in slow motion and seemed like a dream or in this case a nightmare.  As I looked up from my undignified position a crowd of unfamiliar eyes stared down at me.   Sprawled on the pavement, one flip flop on, one off, my clothing askew, and a throbbing head made me want to disappear down the drain I was laying on!

I was a teenager on vacation and I’d fainted as we were walking along the sidewalk, souvenir shopping. I’d had too much……….not what you’re thinking…….sun. As it turned out, I had to get stitches in the gash near my eye. I still bear the scar on my face from that embarrassing adventure long ago that I’d rather forget.

Scars are like that. They stick with us. They tell the story of imperfect moments in our journey through life. Everyone’s are unique.  You NOW know that some of mine tell of accidents, some say I’ve survived health issues, and still others remind me of times I might not have used good judgement or paid close enough attention.

We don’t just display our scars on the outside, though.  Our story continues with the ones we wear on the inside, too. Maybe we’ve been “stabbed” in the back by a friend. Our heart’s been “pierced” by someone we love. Words have “cut” deep into our soul. Insecurity has “carved” its way into our thoughts. These scars can feel as if they’ll never heal. And they don’t if left on their own. Here’s the Good News for you and me….we’re NOT left on our own!

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

What a comfort to know that God not only knows every hair on our head but also every hurt we endure. And just as He designed our skin to repair itself on the outside,  He takes our inward pain and layer by layer knits the damaged pieces into a place of strength.

There have been times I’ve wished my scars weren’t there, but as I’ve grown older I realize that inside or out; each bump, bruise, scrape, and gouge has been stitched together to create who I am today. It’s my scar story. A story that’s full of hurt, disappointment, and fear, but it doesn’t end there.  It’s also a story that tells of this girl’s healing through forgiveness, love and grace. Now THAT’S a story that will stick with you!  What’s your scar story?

If you want to read more about loving your scars, click on over to http://www.tsuzanneeller.com for #livefreeThursday wisdom.

What Could Be Worth More?

My name is Cindy and I am a recovering Perfectionist.

For a long time I didn’t recognize the signs, even though looking back they were there. It wasn’t until I heard the words; words that caught me totally off guard because they came out of MY mouth, that I realized there was a problem. “If my own father could leave me, I can’t be worth much.” Where did that come from?  I’d never consciously had that thought before the very instant those words tumbled from my heart onto my tongue.

I’ve come to realize that somewhere in the traumatic moments as my dad turned his back on the sobbing eleven year old me and walked out our front door, a lie seeped into every crack of my freshly broken heart.  A lie so painful that typing about it now brings me to tears.  A lie that told a little girl that if she’d only been better, her dad wouldn’t have left.

Funny thing about lies, they’re often easy to believe and this one grew and intertwined itself in every part of my life until I was convinced that to be loved, I had to be perfect. Well, we all know how that turns out, don’t we?  Trying to be the best student, teacher, wife, parent, Christian…doing all that I could to give that flawless performance so others would see my worth…. so I could see my own worth… backfired.  The harder I tried, the more failures I experienced, the more failures-the more guilt I felt, so what did I do?  I tried harder. Striving to be perfect was exhausting!

Speaking those words that had been hidden in my heart for so long was the beginning of a journey I’m still on.  A journey of recovery. A journey of freedom. A journey of grace.

“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (NIV)

Did you catch that?  It’s taken me a long time to embrace this wonderful truth. God’s love doesn’t wait for us to be perfect!  We are loved when we’re angry. We’re loved when we are judgmental. We are loved when we fail. And yes, we are loved when we are imperfectly doing everything we can to be perfect

I am a recovering Perfectionist.  I am Cindy and I am loved! Friends, you are too!  What could be worth more?

Linking up again today with Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com Today’s prompt? “When you’ve done all you can” Enjoy!