My name is Cindy and I am a recovering Perfectionist.
For a long time I didn’t recognize the signs, even though looking back they were there. It wasn’t until I heard the words; words that caught me totally off guard because they came out of MY mouth, that I realized there was a problem. “If my own father could leave me, I can’t be worth much.” Where did that come from? I’d never consciously had that thought before the very instant those words tumbled from my heart onto my tongue.
I’ve come to realize that somewhere in the traumatic moments as my dad turned his back on the sobbing eleven year old me and walked out our front door, a lie seeped into every crack of my freshly broken heart. A lie so painful that typing about it now brings me to tears. A lie that told a little girl that if she’d only been better, her dad wouldn’t have left.
Funny thing about lies, they’re often easy to believe and this one grew and intertwined itself in every part of my life until I was convinced that to be loved, I had to be perfect. Well, we all know how that turns out, don’t we? Trying to be the best student, teacher, wife, parent, Christian…doing all that I could to give that flawless performance so others would see my worth…. so I could see my own worth… backfired. The harder I tried, the more failures I experienced, the more failures-the more guilt I felt, so what did I do? I tried harder. Striving to be perfect was exhausting!
Speaking those words that had been hidden in my heart for so long was the beginning of a journey I’m still on. A journey of recovery. A journey of freedom. A journey of grace.
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Romans 5:8 (NIV)
Did you catch that? It’s taken me a long time to embrace this wonderful truth. God’s love doesn’t wait for us to be perfect! We are loved when we’re angry. We’re loved when we are judgmental. We are loved when we fail. And yes, we are loved when we are imperfectly doing everything we can to be perfect.
I am a recovering Perfectionist. I am Cindy and I am loved! Friends, you are too! What could be worth more?
Linking up again today with Suzanne Eller’s #livefreeThursday at http://www.tsuzanneeller.com Today’s prompt? “When you’ve done all you can” Enjoy!